Foul Mouth Freddy Spikes the ****ing Gun - a short story and gaming scenario

Illustration by Edward Jackson

Foul Mouth Freddy Spikes the ****ing Gun

A short story and Flintloque scenario by Tony Harwood

After years of training, all those dirty tricks and spending a fortune on bribes, where do I end up? Right here in the ass rump of Urop trying to make sense of these silly accents and acting as a military observer to the best troops that Krautia can offer. Up-Starts, more like bloody Down-Starts. The sausage eating, sauerkraut smelling, weak beer soaked stunties! Well that’s the official line. Truth is I should never have allowed my bloody mouth to start rolling, before I had even seen where the conversation was heading! It could, by some, also have been considered a mistake to have been caught with my pants down while educating the Governors youngest daughter in how to smoke pipeweed.

So, 'ere I am in this tiny bloody hamlet on the outskirts of the known world. Sitting in a stinking shell hole no less. Trying to re-kindle my bloody career as a full-time soldier of Is Most 'Onourable 'Ighness Georgie-bloody-Porgie.

All this would be worth it if we could somehow stop the constant bombardment from the heights to our North-West. It’s the fourth day that that bloody huge gun has pummelled us with shell fire. Someone aught to do something! Ah well, back to staring at the stunties...

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Later that evening when the bombardment curiously stopped, "Foul-mouth" Freddy was intrigued enough to ask one of his height-disadvantaged colleagues why he could no longer hear the bombardment. Had the shooting actually stopped? “Vat is easy – mein 'ear, zis evening is a national Finklestein holiday and de gun crews vill be drinking Krolsberg for the next couple of 'ours”.

Before long a master-full plan took shape and Freddy, with his usual aplomb and hundreds of blasphemies, soon pulled a group of seven Dwarves together and set off in the direction of the now set sun. His plan was simple – it would have to be as communication between the blue-mouthed Orc and the naive Dwarves meant that speed and surprise would be of the utmost essence.

Freddys plan went something like this;

"We ******** Sneak up under ******* cover of ********* night to that ****-****, ******** excuse for a ****-infested cottage and when it gets ******** dark enough to hide a ******* ********** ********** goat we scarper across the ******* ground and ******* knobble that gun! Simple – In-it."

Simple – Not quite. The Finklestein lines are still patrolled and then there’s the small problem of Dwarves and Beer! What Dwarf could resist the lure of of ice cold Krolsberg. In fact, unbeknownst to Freddy, that's why the usually demure and peace loving Dwarves agreed to go along with the silly plan in the first place.

Scenario Forces

Foul-Mouth Freddy, an experienced Orc Sergeant, is trying to lead the group of seven Dwarves from the derelict cottage across dangerously open ground to the gun. The Dwarves consist of one young officer called Ubert von Trots and six battle-hardened (and very thirsty) Dwarf Rifles. Once at the gun Freddy is experienced enough to either ‘spike the gun’ or set off enough black powder to disable it.

Foul-Mouth Freddy / Experienced
Brawler / Nerves of Steel / Thick Red Line / Foul Temper
Bakur Rifle / Sword

The Dwarf Officer Ubert sees this whole scheme as a way of ‘making-up’ for his past mistakes – particularly that time when he... Oh never mind, it should stop the other Dwarves calling him names and dying their overall brown in recognition of that unfortunate time he was caught short! This will show them. They will remember Trots for something other than silly latrine jokes and tasteless scribbling on the walls of the wash-house! All the Dwarves are armed with Standard Rifles and carry Knives.

There are only ten unlucky Dwarves defending the gun emplacement, they were chosen by lot to miss this years celebrations. They are all armed with Standard Muskets, fixed with Bayonets.

Map and Setup

There is no map for this scenario. A 4ft x 4ft table should be setup with a seriously well built gun emplacement containing (somewhat obviously) a really big Gun on the North-West edge. Then place a simple half-ruined cottage eight inches in from the South-West edge. The rest of the ground should be covered with the odd shrub and rough ground, just enough to offer light cover, but not enough to act as a real barricade!

Freddy and the Dwarves start the game hiding in the cottage.

The defenders should be spread out randomly in and around the gun emplacement.

There should also be twelve barrels on the board representing the Krolsberg supplies the defending Dwarves have left lying around in thier rush to set things up for the holiday celebrations.

Scenario Objectives

The objective is for Freddy to disable the ******* gun and still get back to the cover of the ******* **** cottage. Freddy is not too worried about the ultimate fate of the ******* Stunties!

Ubert’s objective is to support Freddy in getting the gun disabled and ensuring that his brave lads are treated as heroes when they return home.

The six Dwarves will see the destruction of the gun as a minor victory, but a barrel of fine Krolsberg as a major victory.

The defenders would see the gun intact at the end of the game as a victory.

Special Rules

The only character controlled by you directly is Freddy. He is effectively his own section, Ubert's Dwarves should dice for initiative as normal.

Ubert and his Dwarves are, once things kick off, controlled using the Solo Rules on page 89 of Flintloque - War in Catalucia (5025) using the Neutral results on the Solo Aggression Table. However, until the defenders are aware of Ubert's Dwarves they will all make a Slow March move towards the gun emplacement each turn.

The defenders are not expecting an attack, attacking a defensive position like this would be unthinkable especially with the holiday celebrations going on. To represent this the following rules are used. Each defender does not move each turn (unless indicated in the table below) and has a visibility zone of 5cm. Any movement at Slow March (or slower) outside of these zones is not seen or noticed.

Every turn before moving Freddy or Ubert's Dwarves, roll 1D10 and consult the following table to see if they make a mistake in the dark:

Die Roll: Result

1-4: Nothing happens.
5: Someone trips over a rock and curses. Every defender becomes alert and extends their visibility zone to 15cm.
6: One of Ubert's Dwarves gets lost and wanders off in a random direction (select randomly and roll a D12 and use the clock method).
7: The closest defending Dwarf to the attacking party gets nervous and moves D6 toward them.
8: The defending Dwarves' commander starts his rounds, he moves clockwise around the outpost at Slow March. Each sentry, eager to appear alert extends his visibility zone by 5cm.
9: One of Ubert's Dwarves develops a sudden allergy to his uniform and sneezes uncontrollably. All defenders become alerted and extend their visibility zone to 20cm.
10: One of the attacking party suffers a negligent discharge, turn out the guard!

Once one of Ubert's Dwarves (or Freddy) moves into a visibility zone (or rolling a 10 on the above table) the defenders sound the alarm, they are from then on controlled using the Solo Rules using the Defensive results on the Solo Aggression Table.

Krolsberg!

Making things more difficult for Freddy is the Krolsberg scattered around the board. If one of Ubert's Dwarves is activated within 18cm of a barrel of Krolsberg then there is a 50% chance it will, as it's move make a Double March move. Once there they crack open the keg and are considered out of the game (although they can still be used as cover).

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Author's Notes

Even though not in War in Catalucia full stats for the Dwarves can be found in the Flintloque Racial Tables which can be downloaded from the files Alternative Armies official Flintloque Yahoo Group, the Notable Members.

A good tactic for Freddy is to use Ubert's Dwarves as cover to get near the gun emplacement, don't forget he doesn't care about ****ing Stunties!

The rules for visibility zones were adapted from Marc Bacon's excellent Flintloque scenario, Behind Enemy Lines.

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It has long been my intention to include the Foul Mouth Freddy stories on my Blog. They are currently housed on the Orcs in the Webbe site hosted by Craig Andrews for full details go to this link.

Foul Mouth Freddy Spikes the ****in Gun was the first short story published back in 2009. I hope you enjoy these re-runs.

Tony